And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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