just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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