i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
