mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
