Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
