She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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