I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
