I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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