dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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