Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
