found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
