Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
