I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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