i wish starbucks made bloody marys
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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