I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
