Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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