the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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