If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
