Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
