Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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