In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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