Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
