Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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