im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You have to summon your inner elephant
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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