six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
