what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
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