I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
