the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize