She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
