I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
