I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
