I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I am one with the molecules
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
