Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
