i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
