I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
