i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
