When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
