he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
