No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
