guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
