some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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