Soap is not a condiment
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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