what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
