just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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