How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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