Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
