if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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