and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
