i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Randomize
