I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
