sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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