Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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