The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
