I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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