I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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