garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize