My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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